militarymoms

It’s Saturday morning, pretty early, and I’ve already been awake for two hours.  I had to drop my son off at a Scouting event.  It’s been hard to work these backpacking weekends into our busy family schedule - nothing like having yet another series of mandatory dates to write on our calendar. 

Thinking about these required hikes reminded me of the fact that I have, in reality, very little control over any part of our family schedule.  There are so many “must do” things that I literally have to schedule our family time, and I have to squish it in amidst the mandatory events.

That’s what military life is like.  We’ve delayed vacations - even canceled them - and rearranged plans countless times to meet the Navy’s demands on my husband’s time.  We’ve eaten dinner after 8:00 P.M. every night this week - twice after 9:00 P.M.  We often travel to be with my husband as he goes to required events, spending family time and money to be in a place that wasn’t on our travel list.  And, like most military families, we seldom get to choose where we live, or even our next duty station.  The detailer says, “You’re going here,” and we go.

I learned long ago to let go of my frustration with this lack of control.  No, I don’t like changing plans all the time and I’d give a lot to put away my moving supplies for good.  Yes, I get angry about these things on occasion.  But, most of the time, I shrug and walk over to the calendar, pencil in the changes, and hope for the best.  I married into this life, and this lack of control is part of the deal.

Three things have helped me cope with all of this.  First, my husband told me very honestly about military life before we were even engaged.  He didn’t sugar coat the facts or pretend he wasn’t intending to stay in for 20+ years.  He even told me he loved going to sea and planned to seek out seagoing billets.  Although I had no way of knowing what this life would really feel like, I wasn’t surprised when 20 years went by and my husband was still in the Navy.

Second, I have placed my life in God’s hands, so I trust that He’s sending us where we need to go.  Sometimes it takes a long, long time before we figure out why we’re in a particular place, but that’s okay.  I could never survive military life without my faith; I often wonder how people do it.

And, finally, I’ve learned that my purpose in life has nothing to do with my career (I’ve had 10 different jobs in 23 years) or the square footage of my home (small).  It has everything to do with creating a happy home for our family and giving my children a stable life filled with love.  For me, the military life isn’t a burden because, most of the time, I’m managing to do those things.  You can’t schedule love or happiness, but God has worked them into His plan for us all the same.

It would be easy to write an entire book about PCS moves.  Fortunately, I don’t have to.  There are quite a few publications and online resources available that provide useful information to military members and families.  Here are just a few:

Believe it or not, the “It’s Your Move” pamphlet produced by the U.S. Army is really, really helpful.  Now that it’s available online, you have no excuse for not reading it.

The Military Spouse Career Center has compiled a helpful list of moving allowances, including who gets them and how they are calculated.  If you’ve ever wondered what DLA and MALT and TLA are, this is a good way to find out.  (DLA can really help - it’s based on your BAH - but you won’t get it unless your active duty spouse files for it.)

The Military Officers Association of America has created a detailed, useful article for people preparing for overseas duty.  MOAA’s other moving resources are helpful, too.

Military Homefront offers online tools, customizeable calendars and moving checklists in its Plan My Move section.  Check it out!

Sandee Payne has written the book I wish I’d read about seven moves ago, and it’s called That Military House: Move it, Organize it & Decorate it.  From furniture buying to PCS packing, this book will help you plan ahead, not just for this move, but for five moves from now, and help you make all those beige-walled crackerboxes into real, comfortable homes.

Happy reading!

I thought PCS moves were a total pain.  Then I had kids.  Now I know the truth - PCS moves with kids should be on that list of the ten most devastating life events.  Not only do you have to uproot yourself, you have to drag your kids away from all that’s familiar.  You also have to plan, inventory, clean and pack your stuff.  So. Not. Fun.

There’s no great way to convince a child that moving is fun and that Mom will not always be a screaming, dust-covered wreck.  They just have to live through the Screaming Wreck stage and discover for themselves that you can get back to normal, once the boxes are unpacked.

I do have a few ideas for making PCS moves easier on both you and your children.

Explain things, but keep it simple.  Don’t go into tons of detail about each step of the move process.  Do tell your children what’s going on, especially if you have to take them with you to move-related appointments.

Read books about moving to/with your child.  My personal favorite is The Berenstain Bears Moving Day.  This process helps children understand that their feelings about the upcoming move are OK, and that everyone feels sad about moving.

Tell your child that you, too, feel sad and stressed.  When things get really crazy, take your child to the park for an hour and spend some time together.  Remind your child that you love him or her and always will, wherever you might live.

Figure out ways to keep in touch with friends.  Help your child create postcards or “just moved” notes with your new address on them to give to friends and classmates.  Take pictures of your child with friends; give copies to the friends, too.

When moving day comes, try to arrange for your child to stay with a friend.  You’ll have one less worry, and your child won’t have to watch strangers pack up those special toys.

At the new house, unpack your child’s bedding first, and make up the bed.  Sometimes children worry that their stuff won’t make it to their new home, and seeing familiar items in the new bedroom is a great comfort.

Take a little time to explore parks, attractions and libraries in your new city with your child.  The boxes are important, sure, but your child needs your time and attention, too.

Today, let’s talk about overseas moves.

Moving across an ocean presents special challenges.  If you receive overseas orders, it’s very important to begin your preparations immediately.  Plan extra time, because things often go haywire at the last minute.

I’ve moved overseas twice, and I have some suggestions to help your transfer go smoothly.

• Don’t fudge the overseas screening.  However much you, personally, want to live abroad, you will not help your family if you conceal medical conditions that truly cannot be treated overseas.  It’s not easy to seek medical care in a foreign hospital where you can’t speak the language and can’t read the paperwork.  I’ve seen too many people end up in that spot, not because they had accidents but because they had chronic medical problems that they didn’t reveal during the overseas screening process.  If your overseas duty station says there are “limited” medical facilities, they mean it.
• Apply for your passport and visas right away.  Don’t forget.  This process takes a long, long time to complete.
• Think carefully about taking your car.  Ask people who’ve been stationed where you’re going what it’s like to fix a broken water pump on an American- or Japanese- or German-made car in your destination country.  Is the base garage OK?  How long does it take to get parts?  How much do used cars cost?  We shipped cars both times we moved overseas, because my husband is tall and we knew he’d never fit in a tiny Italian car.
• Fix all broken things on your car if you plan to ship it.  Buy lightbulbs, wiper blades, oil filters and other routine maintenance items and put them in your shipment.  Even if you have a base garage at your new duty station, chances are you’ll need a part just when it’s sold out there.
• Leave heirlooms behind.  If you really love a particular piece of furniture, consider how you’ll feel if it’s crushed or scraped in transit.  Irreplaceable photos should be left in the care of a responsible relative.  Valuable jewelry you don’t wear often will be safer in a safe deposit box.  (You have to hand-carry all your family paperwork, so your carry-on bag won’t have room for much else.  Plan to hand-carry jewelry if you decide to bring it.  Do not pack it in your suitcase.)
• Save up.  You might need extra cash for rent deposits, utility deposits or a car.  You’ll need an emergency fund in case your pay is not processed properly, and you’ll need to stock your refrigerator and pantry when you find a place to live.
• Ask, ask, ask.  Find people who’ve just returned from your new duty station.  Get a sponsor and start emailing your questions.  Read about your host country and your duty station online.  The more information you have, the easier your transition will be.

More to come…

My friend Toni is getting ready to move.  She’s going through her house, room by room, cleaning, sorting and discarding.  Mind you, she’s only moving across the street, and she’s even getting a larger house on post, but she is working her way through her home just the same.

It’s PCS season, wherever you’re stationed.  This is the time of year when many military families prepare to move on.  Since so many people are getting ready to move, this is a good time to talk about some ways to make your PCS move a little less stressful.

• Plan ahead.  As soon as your PCS orders are in hand, contact your transportation office or go to its Web site to find out how to set up your move.  Most CONUS moves are arranged online, but some OCONUS bases still require you to go in person to the transportation (personal property) office to set up your move.  Don’t wait to start this process.  There are only so many pickup and delivery dates available, and you need to set up your move early to get the dates you want.
• Clean and sort.  This will help in so many ways.  You’ll get rid of things you don’t need, reduce the weight of your household goods shipment and organize your possessions so you know what you have.
• Document your possessions.  You’ll need to take photos or create a list of all your possessions.  Some people take videos of each room; we take digital photos and keep copies in several locations.  If something happens to your shipment, you’ll need to show proof that you owned the lost or damaged items.
• Get insurance.  If you don’t have renter’s or homeowner’s insurance, consider getting it well before your move.  This is particularly important if you’re moving overseas - you’ll undoubtedly be a renter, and you can’t rely on your landlord to provide any type of insurance.  If the ceiling falls in and your TV is damaged, you’ll have a better chance of recouping that loss if you have renter’s insurance in place.

There’s lots more to come on this topic…check back tomorrow for more helpful PCS tips!

Yesterday, for the second year in a row, I drove my daughter to Emmitsburg, Md., for a dance event.  This event coincides with Rolling Thunder, the annual tribute paid by bikers to our nation’s missing and captive veterans.  As we drive north, we watch literally hundreds of bikers head south to Washington, D.C.  It’s always a thrill to see so many bikers converging on our capital city - and Rolling Thunder is proof that our citizens can bring attention to important causes if they unite their efforts.

We’ve lost so many good citizens in our nation’s wars, and today is their day.  I wrote last week about ways to celebrate Memorial Day.  And, make no mistake, each person who gave his or her life for the U.S. is indeed a hero.  They deserve far more from us than a moment of silence.

Since I married the military, the world has truly become smaller to me.  Whenever I hear about a natural disaster, for example, I automatically think, “Who do I know there?” because I usually do know someone.  I think that’s why I ache whenever I read about our soldiers dying in Iraq and Afghanistan.  I don’t know them personally, but I am connected to them in ways that spouses of civilians can’t really understand.  Perhaps I know their friends, or I know someone who served in their unit, or I know someone from their home town.  They’re part of the extended family to which I’ve belonged for almost 23 years.

Please do something special to honor our fallen heroes today.  Most importantly, share this effort with your loved ones, especially your children.  Teach them to honor our heroes, to visit their gravesites, to salute the flag they died to protect.  Today is not about sales and barbecues.  It’s about people who gave everything to keep us free.

No, I’m not suggesting you throw Pizza Hut’s finest onto your Weber.

Last night we made grill pizza for the first time.  Here’s how we did it.  First, we made a batch of whole wheat pizza dough, using our bread machine.  We rolled out the dough into circles - about the size of an individual pizza, slightly larger than pan pizzas from Pizza Hut.  My husband made homemade pizza sauce using canned tomato puree, oregano, garlic powder and a couple of teaspoons of olive oil.  (He warmed it on the stove for a few minutes.)  Then, he and my daughter spread sauce, shredded mozzarella cheese and other toppings onto the pizzas, just as you would for oven-baked pizzas.

We heated our gas grill to about 500 degrees - your grill needs to be at 450 - 500 degrees for the pizzas to cook properly, and it cools down a bit as you cook each pizza.  We cooked pizzas two at  a time.  They were pretty darn good!

For me, the best part about grilling pizza is that we can now enjoy it during the summer months, when even looking at my oven makes me feel like a sunstroke victim.  We all ate smiling, as we realized we could feast like this even on August’s warmest evenings.

All over the country, military moms are heading out to graduation ceremonies at kindergartens, grade schools, high schools and universities.  The U.S. Naval Academy held its commissioning ceremony yesterday.  Graduation celebrations are important milestones, and the best ceremonies include speeches that truly have meaning for the graduates.  I think Admiral Michael Mullen’s address to the Academy graduates was just such a speech.

Admiral Mullen advised the new ensigns and second lieutenants to question their superiors when they feel things aren’t going right and to take responsibility for their own actions.  Most importantly, he told them that they need to be ready to learn from their mistakes.  “What matters most is how you deal with it [your mistake],” Adm. Mullen said.  He should know - he’s the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

After 22 years of hanging around military folks, I think Adm. Mullen’s words are spot on.  Just yesterday my husband came home upset because one of his friends wasn’t selected for promotion, and this officer’s superior didn’t bother to break the bad news.  She had to find out from a Web site.  That’s poor leadership - it might seem like a small thing, to avoid breaking bad news to a subordinate, but it’s not.

I’d like to see all military members, enlisted and officer alike, take responsibility for their actions and learn from their mistakes.  Over the years I’ve met so many military members who take their work very seriously and who go the extra mile to take care of their people.  We need those leaders.  Our country needs those leaders.

I hope Adm. Mullen’s speech gets lots of press coverage.  His advice is relevant to all graduates today - and to the rest of us, too.

If you’re a kid, swimming pools are The Best.  My daughter has been asking about pool opening dates for weeks now.  We live near two military bases with swimming pools, so we will be doing our swimming there this summer, even though our residential community also has a pool.

Why?  It’s all about the money.  Our community pool charges $300 for the summer, plus a one-time fee for a pool certificate of $350.  A base pool membership is $97 - $228, depending on pay grade.  No, the base pool isn’t two blocks away, but I drive to base at least once a week to buy groceries.

Our base pool also offers half-season memberships.  You can join for the first or second half of the summer.  This is handy for families who travel or send their children to summer camp.

We’ll probably skip the membership altogether and pay the $2 per person daily entrance fee.  I did the math, and we’d have to go to the pool over 30 times during the summer to make a membership pay.  Given our crazy schedule, that’s not too likely.

Your base pool probably offers swimming lessons at reasonable prices, too.  Swimming is an important survival skill.  Why not sign your little ones up for lessons this summer?

I know, what’s that?  It’s hard to grab a few minutes for yourself, especially if your children are young.  Now that the weather is warming up, here are a few activities that children love.  Set them up, show your kids what to do and sit nearby with a favorite book or activity.

Bubbles are cheap and fun.  Kids of all ages love to blow and chase them.  Making your own bubble solution is fun, too.

Water painting is a clean activity.  Give your child a big paintbrush and a bucket of water.  He or she can “paint” pictures on the sidewalk or driveway.

Sand tables are easy to make.  Fill a dishpan with clean sand and place it on top of an inverted box.  Your child can play in the sand without sitting in it.  No sandy socks!

Water tables work the same way.  Fill a large dishpan or Rubbermaid container with water and set it on a small table or box.  Add a few boats, ducks and containers and you’re good to go.  (Warning - the water will not stay in the container.  Have dry clothes ready.)

Sidewalk chalk is another perennial favorite.  You can make your own for even more fun.