militarymoms

I’m not sure I could say the same thing twice, but in different ways, so I won’t try.  Instead, I’ll invite you to one of my other blogs to read my thoughts for today.

In Memoriam

As I wrote this morning on one of my other blogs, 23 years ago today I married my husband.  It was a record-setting hot day, and our reception location didn’t have air conditioning, but I honestly don’t recall feeling warm.  We’d planned a very special wedding, and it was everything I wanted it to be.  I was having too much fun to worry about the heat.

Today, 23 years later, I wonder where the time has gone and why I still haven’t figured out a way to make time for personal fitness, something I haven’t dedicated enough time to since our first duty station, way back when VCRs were still pretty new and no one had ever heard of Game Boys or Brangelina.  Time really does fly, ever more quickly.

This is a rare summer for us - no weddings, baby announcements or graduations - and so I have no shower gifts to buy.  It’s too bad, because I just read a really great book, Married to the Military, written by Meredith Leyva.

If you’ve been invited to a bridal shower for a military bride-to-be, this book would be a perfect gift.  I sure could have used it 23 years ago.  Not only does it have real nuts-and-bolts information anyone can use - how to decipher an LES, how to decode rank insignia, and so on - it also has tips for decorating your base house, advice for surviving deployments and moves and real, wife-to-wife “war stories,”  humorous anecdotes about military life.

Perhaps you’re new to military life yourself.  My local library has a copy of Married to the Military (that’s how I happened to read it), and yours may, too.  Request the book and give it a try.  You’ll learn a lot about career planning - yours and his - as well as finances, military marriages and parenting through deployments.  Definitely worth your time.

As you may have guessed, I’ve been away.  We had a lovely vacation in Canada, and if you want to know more about it, I’m uploading articles and photos here.  (Scroll down to the Canada travel articles.)

For the first time ever, we were actually in a place where there were no Independence Day celebrations - when we’ve been stationed overseas, MWR has always put on a July Fourth celebration.  It felt a little strange, but we had the opportunity to be part of Canada Day (July 1) instead, and we learned a lot about Canadian history while we were in New Brunswick.  Canadians love to celebrate their national holiday just as much as we do, and we had a great time attending a festival and then heading down to the Petitcodiac River and watching fireworks.

I think it’s important to remember that we, as U.S. citizens, don’t have the patriotism market cornered.  (Just watch the European soccer championships to see continent-wide patriotism in action!)  Nearly everyone is proud of his or her country, even if circumstances (such as marrying into the military) have caused that person to become a U.S. citizen.

Throughout my husband’s military career, one of the parts I’ve most enjoyed has been getting to know other military wives from around the world.  My friends hail from Spain, Sweden, Italy, Japan, Canada, the Philippines, Korea, Germany…you get the idea.  They’ve taught me to make lumpia, given me religious items from Fatima, prepared poutine for my children, given me hacky sack-making tips and showed me their confirmation photos (with the future Pope!).  In every case, I’ve learned a lot from my friends, and my life is much richer for having known them.

Just another reason to be thankful for this chaotic but fulfilling life…

Terie’s comments on some of my older posts got me thinking.  I have done the military spouse thing for 22 years and 36o days now (anniversary 23 is Sunday!).  I have lost count of the “How do you do it?” and “I could never move away from my family!” comments - and that doesn’t take into account the discussions I’ve had about homeschooling.  Am I really that far above the common mortal?

Of course, the answer is no.  I’m just a standard-issue individual who happened to fall in love with a military person.  He, thank God, was honest enough to prepare me, at least in part, for the challenges I’d face…before we were even engaged.  We’ve always talked honestly about military life, which is wonderful because my last blood relative who served in the military died in World War II, in Italy (we took flowers to his grave in 2004).  I was the Totally Clueless Innocent Civilian when I became a military spouse.

Over time, I’ve come to the conclusion that we all, as human beings, have something of the superhero inside.  Certainly I never expected to field questions about battleship hull strength the same day Operation Desert Storm began - ironically, the day after my husband’s birthday, the same day I saw him briefly on CNN loading supplies onto or off of the USS WISCONSON (BB-64).  I knew about the ship’s two 18-inch hulls, to be sure, but I never thought I’d be explaining them to family members, particularly on the day MY husband was in danger and they were all fine.

In my mind, the real superheroes at home are the military family members who offer up emergency assistance to spouses of deployed service members.  Let me explain.  Right before my husband went on his last 6-month cruise, a church friend suggested that I keep her phone number on hand, for 2:00 A.M. emergencies.  Her kids were older, she said, and she could help if I needed assistance.

Thank God for Debbie.  I did need her help, the night before my parents were due to fly in from California for a visit.  I woke up with intense pain, knowing I was hospital-bound.  I called Debbie, woke her husband, asked for help and got not only Debbie but her daughter (pulled from school to babysit for me).  Debbie took me to the hospital and stayed to make sure I wouldn’t be sent home.  Turned out I had a softball-sized ovarian cyst.  I needed surgery.  Debbie and her family took care of all of us until my parents arrived.

I’ve never forgotten this event, and some day I hope to pay it forward.  I’ve offered up emergency services to many deployed spouses, and I know one day I will be able to help someone as Debbie helped me, with transportation, child care, advocacy and prayer.

We, as military moms, are definitely superhero material.  Maybe now is a good time to take stock and see how we can make ourselves more available to the people who might need our help in an emergency.  Step One:  Tell people you are available.  They will call on you if they trust that you are sincere.  I know, because I was there.  Offer what you can truly give and the Good Lord will take care of the rest.

To Debbie:  We are doing well and the little baby girl you knew is now 10.  She sings as sweetly as your daughter did nine years ago (and, I’m sure, still does).  Our lives are richer because we knew you and you helped us when no one else was nearby.  I will pass your favor on, don’t worry!

Yesterday we attended a celebration at a friend’s home on a nearby military base.  We brought along my daughter’s friend, whose parents are not military.  She was astounded to discover that we had I.D. cards and that she was on a military installation.  She worried that her parents wouldn’t be able to get on base because they didn’t have I.D. cards.  She asked me if people fought battles on the base.  At first, all these questions surprised me - I had forgotten how it feels to look at military life from the outside rather than the inside.

I need to consider this idea more carefully, I think.  After nearly 23 years of the Navy spouse thing, I’ve pretty much crossed over to the other side.  I can explain the acronyms, tell you how to get the most out of your local military body hobby shop and give you tips on PCS moves, but most folks I meet learn about military life by watching CNN and Fox.  They don’t ask me, that’s for sure!

I think, too, that my children accept their lives as “normal” - not just the moving, but the rental cabins and the commissaries and the low-cost activities we enjoy.  That’s good - they like the military life, for the most part.  Almost no one in the military is a millionaire, of course, but our lives are pretty decent (I’ll rant about military pay some other time).  I don’t want to take the blessings we have for granted.

I have a feeling it will be a while before we see our $25.

Yesterday, my husband tried to contact US Airways once again about the incorrectly-assessed second-checked bag fee he paid Sunday.  He spent nearly 20 minutes on hold and then - of course - had to hang up to go to (gasp!) work.  He asked me to call US Airways to see what I could do, so I dialed the number I found on the airline’s Web site.

The pleasant-voiced woman who answered told me I had to call Customer Relations in Phoenix to solve my problem.  When I explained that my husband had already tried that avenue and had spent far too much time not talking to actual people, she suggested I send an email to Customer Relations via the US Airways Web site.  I took some time to compose a polite letter, requesting not only reimbursement but also retraining of the employee who incorrectly billed my husband.  After all, our local airport is within 50 miles of some large military installations - the Pentagon, for one - and I’m sure my husband is not the only military person to pay these charges, which will eventually get put on  travel claims and be paid by - you guessed it - taxpayers.  Bad all around, except for US Airways’ bottom line.

You know, military moms give up a lot.  We give up being close to our extended family, which means we don’t have free babysitting from Grandma.  We give up careers because we move so often.  We give up homes and church communities and playgroups.  Most importantly, we give up Husband Time.  Lots of it.

But, to me, this life is so full of blessings.  I seldom think about all I’ve sacrificed over the years.  Instead, I think about all of the things I’ve gained over the last 23 years. 

First, I never take things for granted.  Not electricity, or a warm home, or drinkable water or being able to ask for help and be understood.  I’ve done without all those things, and I know their worth.

Second, I know more about the military than some of the journalists who cover it every day.  The real military, the one where sailors don’t get paid much and have to apply for food stamps, the one where families are left to navigate a medical system that seems designed to make everything totally impossible, the one where networking is the only way to survive.

Most importantly, I know about true friendships.  We made friends at our very first duty station who have become part of our family, and the list has grown from there.  We’ve been at weddings and First Communions and promotions together, and I can’t imagine life without these wonderful people.  Military friendships are the ones where you can borrow the pillows off someone’s bed, not to mention their car, their air mattresses and half of their pots and pans, and they trust you with all of these items.  Military friendships are the ones where you don’t talk to someone for ten years and then pick up right where you left off.  Military friendships endure over time and distance because they have to, because we all need people to connect with and care for and because we all know what it’s like to lie awake at night, wondering when the fellows in uniform, chaplain in tow, will ring our doorbells with news no one ever wants to hear.

It’s a good life, really, and all the friendships over the years sparkle in my memory, like raindrops in sunshine.  Give me time - I’ll definitely be in touch.

Yesterday my daughter and I stopped by our local Army post to pick up some groceries.  We were putting the bags into the trunk when we heard the familiar bugle notes that signal the beginning of Evening Colors.  Of course, we set everything down and stood at attention, turning toward the headquarters building, and stayed that way until Colors ended.

Do you think anyone else bothered to do this?

Well, I didn’t turn around - duh - but no one within my field of vision stopped at all.  Cars kept driving and people kept walking.  My daughter asked, “Shouldn’t they stop their cars?  It’s Colors!”

I am upset that people on a military base can’t be bothered to stop and honor their flag - the symbol of the country they, or someone they love, has volunteered to fight and perhaps die for.  There is something so wrong about refusing to honor our flag.

I suppose some drivers could argue that they didn’t hear the music, but I would think they’d notice motionless people in the commissary parking lot, check their dashboard clock, and arrive at the obvious conclusion: 5:00, Army post, time for Colors.  Besides, the music was pretty loud - the HQ building isn’t exactly right next to the commissary, but I heard it just fine.

Next time I see this happen, I plan to write to the post’s commanding officer.  Perhaps he can help remind some folks that the flag deserves our respect. 

It’s Saturday morning, pretty early, and I’ve already been awake for two hours.  I had to drop my son off at a Scouting event.  It’s been hard to work these backpacking weekends into our busy family schedule - nothing like having yet another series of mandatory dates to write on our calendar. 

Thinking about these required hikes reminded me of the fact that I have, in reality, very little control over any part of our family schedule.  There are so many “must do” things that I literally have to schedule our family time, and I have to squish it in amidst the mandatory events.

That’s what military life is like.  We’ve delayed vacations - even canceled them - and rearranged plans countless times to meet the Navy’s demands on my husband’s time.  We’ve eaten dinner after 8:00 P.M. every night this week - twice after 9:00 P.M.  We often travel to be with my husband as he goes to required events, spending family time and money to be in a place that wasn’t on our travel list.  And, like most military families, we seldom get to choose where we live, or even our next duty station.  The detailer says, “You’re going here,” and we go.

I learned long ago to let go of my frustration with this lack of control.  No, I don’t like changing plans all the time and I’d give a lot to put away my moving supplies for good.  Yes, I get angry about these things on occasion.  But, most of the time, I shrug and walk over to the calendar, pencil in the changes, and hope for the best.  I married into this life, and this lack of control is part of the deal.

Three things have helped me cope with all of this.  First, my husband told me very honestly about military life before we were even engaged.  He didn’t sugar coat the facts or pretend he wasn’t intending to stay in for 20+ years.  He even told me he loved going to sea and planned to seek out seagoing billets.  Although I had no way of knowing what this life would really feel like, I wasn’t surprised when 20 years went by and my husband was still in the Navy.

Second, I have placed my life in God’s hands, so I trust that He’s sending us where we need to go.  Sometimes it takes a long, long time before we figure out why we’re in a particular place, but that’s okay.  I could never survive military life without my faith; I often wonder how people do it.

And, finally, I’ve learned that my purpose in life has nothing to do with my career (I’ve had 10 different jobs in 23 years) or the square footage of my home (small).  It has everything to do with creating a happy home for our family and giving my children a stable life filled with love.  For me, the military life isn’t a burden because, most of the time, I’m managing to do those things.  You can’t schedule love or happiness, but God has worked them into His plan for us all the same.

Yesterday, for the second year in a row, I drove my daughter to Emmitsburg, Md., for a dance event.  This event coincides with Rolling Thunder, the annual tribute paid by bikers to our nation’s missing and captive veterans.  As we drive north, we watch literally hundreds of bikers head south to Washington, D.C.  It’s always a thrill to see so many bikers converging on our capital city - and Rolling Thunder is proof that our citizens can bring attention to important causes if they unite their efforts.

We’ve lost so many good citizens in our nation’s wars, and today is their day.  I wrote last week about ways to celebrate Memorial Day.  And, make no mistake, each person who gave his or her life for the U.S. is indeed a hero.  They deserve far more from us than a moment of silence.

Since I married the military, the world has truly become smaller to me.  Whenever I hear about a natural disaster, for example, I automatically think, “Who do I know there?” because I usually do know someone.  I think that’s why I ache whenever I read about our soldiers dying in Iraq and Afghanistan.  I don’t know them personally, but I am connected to them in ways that spouses of civilians can’t really understand.  Perhaps I know their friends, or I know someone who served in their unit, or I know someone from their home town.  They’re part of the extended family to which I’ve belonged for almost 23 years.

Please do something special to honor our fallen heroes today.  Most importantly, share this effort with your loved ones, especially your children.  Teach them to honor our heroes, to visit their gravesites, to salute the flag they died to protect.  Today is not about sales and barbecues.  It’s about people who gave everything to keep us free.