militarymoms

As of yesterday, I can officially state what I have known in my heart for a year.  My daughter really does have talent - she walked off with three Novice-level first place awards at a local Irish step dancing competition.  Hard enough to do, under any circumstances - but it was only her third competition at Novice level.  One more first place ranking and she moves up to Prizewinner level.  We drove home marveling at the fact that she’s come so far in just one year of competition and less than two full years of dancing.

Now I’m faced with a couple of dilemmas.  This is no cheap hobby - shoes, lessons, trips and dresses are expensive.  I think we’re set for the next year, as I’ve saved up for dresses and lessons all along.  Once the trips start, though, we’ll be committing family resources to support her talent.  What’s the fairest way to do this?

Also, we’re military.  My husband isn’t going to retire next year, possibly not for several years yet.  What happens if we get orders to someplace without certified teachers?  Do we put the whole family through the agony of a geobach tour?

In a way, I’m lucky.  In two years my son heads off to college (see question 1, above) and he won’t be affected too much by PCS move #11, whenever it happens.  On the other hand, my daughter is young and we have quite a few years of Irish dance competitions ahead of us.  We’ll have to think long and hard about the best ways to support her talent, especially since it could help her beef up college applications.

I have no idea how things will turn out.  We could end up staying here or we could move overseas.  Europe would be OK - Ireland is in Europe, last time I checked - but I have no idea if any Irish dance schools exist in, say, Japan.

My plan, such as it is, is to discuss all of this with my husband first, laying out my concerns and the costs and benefits of moving vs. dancing here.  We’ll think and talk and, because we’re us, pray about it all.  Once we’ve reached a decision we’ll bring it up with the rest of the family.  Sometimes my children come up with solutions I’ve not considered, so this discussion could be very valuable in ways I don’t yet know.

The truth is, though, this is one part of military life that is hard.  We try to nurture our children, we try to put down roots, but we can’t control 100% of our destiny.  (I think I, personally, only control about 40% of my own destiny, mostly things like what brand of detergent to buy.)  We can’t always support talented children the way we’d like, because military paychecks only stretch so far and because sometimes we have to live where no one has ever heard of things like ghillies and solo dresses.

That’s where love comes in, with its partner, honest communication.  I can’t give everything and I can’t do everything, but I can explain why resources have to be diverted to car repair and why each child in our family deserves opportunities, not just one child.  I can love and hug the child who secretly worries about moving away and leaving dance friends behind.  I do these things, and I hope, for now, they’re enough.

Well, it’s been over a week since I last posted, and I apologize.  We have been preparing for the visit of dear friends who live in Germany.  Translation:  house shoveling.  My son was packing to go to the Philmont Scout Ranch, which meant, in reality, that every day he gave me a new list of things he needed but didn’t have.  Translation:  shopping errands.  My daughter volunteered at Vacation Bible School and had dance camp during the same week.  Translation:  sandwiches in the car, every day.

I did try to write one post earlier in the week and it vanished into a cyber-black hole just as I finished writing it.  Since I was at my daughter’s dance studio when that happened, my technical problems weren’t easily fixed.  Meanwhile, one of my long-term freelancing clients upgraded software, resulting in more black holes as I tried to upload photos.

This is just one of those times when life is happening all around me and I have to deal with issues one at a time.  I tend to feel overwhelmed when dozens of deadlines pop up at once, but I’ve learned to focus my mental energies on the things that absolutely must get done today, and let tomorrow take care of itself for a few hours.

I know, for example, that we have a dance competition next weekend and I have to do some sewing, ironing and organizing to prepare for that event.  Before then, however, I have writing deadlines, bills to pay, two big social events to attend, a ham to purchase…I’m sure this litany of tasks sounds mighty familiar.

I don’t have an online calendar that reminds me about priority tasks.  I use a pencil and paper to keep track of what I must get done.  I usually write on the back of an old flyer or article draft (I like to recycle).  No one else could possibly read my messy calendar of events, I am sure, but that doesn’t matter.

Future events are tracked on my kitchen wall calendar.  I check it first thing each morning to be sure I’m not forgetting a lesson or appointment.  It’s simple, as planning systems go, but it works.

Now, my friends are here, my son is (hopefully) enjoying his trek, and my daughter is practicing her steps night and day.  I can catch up on my writing tasks and enjoy my friends’ company.  Translation: it’s worth it.

As I wrote this morning on one of my other blogs, 23 years ago today I married my husband.  It was a record-setting hot day, and our reception location didn’t have air conditioning, but I honestly don’t recall feeling warm.  We’d planned a very special wedding, and it was everything I wanted it to be.  I was having too much fun to worry about the heat.

Today, 23 years later, I wonder where the time has gone and why I still haven’t figured out a way to make time for personal fitness, something I haven’t dedicated enough time to since our first duty station, way back when VCRs were still pretty new and no one had ever heard of Game Boys or Brangelina.  Time really does fly, ever more quickly.

This is a rare summer for us - no weddings, baby announcements or graduations - and so I have no shower gifts to buy.  It’s too bad, because I just read a really great book, Married to the Military, written by Meredith Leyva.

If you’ve been invited to a bridal shower for a military bride-to-be, this book would be a perfect gift.  I sure could have used it 23 years ago.  Not only does it have real nuts-and-bolts information anyone can use - how to decipher an LES, how to decode rank insignia, and so on - it also has tips for decorating your base house, advice for surviving deployments and moves and real, wife-to-wife “war stories,”  humorous anecdotes about military life.

Perhaps you’re new to military life yourself.  My local library has a copy of Married to the Military (that’s how I happened to read it), and yours may, too.  Request the book and give it a try.  You’ll learn a lot about career planning - yours and his - as well as finances, military marriages and parenting through deployments.  Definitely worth your time.

As you may have guessed, I’ve been away.  We had a lovely vacation in Canada, and if you want to know more about it, I’m uploading articles and photos here.  (Scroll down to the Canada travel articles.)

For the first time ever, we were actually in a place where there were no Independence Day celebrations - when we’ve been stationed overseas, MWR has always put on a July Fourth celebration.  It felt a little strange, but we had the opportunity to be part of Canada Day (July 1) instead, and we learned a lot about Canadian history while we were in New Brunswick.  Canadians love to celebrate their national holiday just as much as we do, and we had a great time attending a festival and then heading down to the Petitcodiac River and watching fireworks.

I think it’s important to remember that we, as U.S. citizens, don’t have the patriotism market cornered.  (Just watch the European soccer championships to see continent-wide patriotism in action!)  Nearly everyone is proud of his or her country, even if circumstances (such as marrying into the military) have caused that person to become a U.S. citizen.

Throughout my husband’s military career, one of the parts I’ve most enjoyed has been getting to know other military wives from around the world.  My friends hail from Spain, Sweden, Italy, Japan, Canada, the Philippines, Korea, Germany…you get the idea.  They’ve taught me to make lumpia, given me religious items from Fatima, prepared poutine for my children, given me hacky sack-making tips and showed me their confirmation photos (with the future Pope!).  In every case, I’ve learned a lot from my friends, and my life is much richer for having known them.

Just another reason to be thankful for this chaotic but fulfilling life…

Terie’s comments on some of my older posts got me thinking.  I have done the military spouse thing for 22 years and 36o days now (anniversary 23 is Sunday!).  I have lost count of the “How do you do it?” and “I could never move away from my family!” comments - and that doesn’t take into account the discussions I’ve had about homeschooling.  Am I really that far above the common mortal?

Of course, the answer is no.  I’m just a standard-issue individual who happened to fall in love with a military person.  He, thank God, was honest enough to prepare me, at least in part, for the challenges I’d face…before we were even engaged.  We’ve always talked honestly about military life, which is wonderful because my last blood relative who served in the military died in World War II, in Italy (we took flowers to his grave in 2004).  I was the Totally Clueless Innocent Civilian when I became a military spouse.

Over time, I’ve come to the conclusion that we all, as human beings, have something of the superhero inside.  Certainly I never expected to field questions about battleship hull strength the same day Operation Desert Storm began - ironically, the day after my husband’s birthday, the same day I saw him briefly on CNN loading supplies onto or off of the USS WISCONSON (BB-64).  I knew about the ship’s two 18-inch hulls, to be sure, but I never thought I’d be explaining them to family members, particularly on the day MY husband was in danger and they were all fine.

In my mind, the real superheroes at home are the military family members who offer up emergency assistance to spouses of deployed service members.  Let me explain.  Right before my husband went on his last 6-month cruise, a church friend suggested that I keep her phone number on hand, for 2:00 A.M. emergencies.  Her kids were older, she said, and she could help if I needed assistance.

Thank God for Debbie.  I did need her help, the night before my parents were due to fly in from California for a visit.  I woke up with intense pain, knowing I was hospital-bound.  I called Debbie, woke her husband, asked for help and got not only Debbie but her daughter (pulled from school to babysit for me).  Debbie took me to the hospital and stayed to make sure I wouldn’t be sent home.  Turned out I had a softball-sized ovarian cyst.  I needed surgery.  Debbie and her family took care of all of us until my parents arrived.

I’ve never forgotten this event, and some day I hope to pay it forward.  I’ve offered up emergency services to many deployed spouses, and I know one day I will be able to help someone as Debbie helped me, with transportation, child care, advocacy and prayer.

We, as military moms, are definitely superhero material.  Maybe now is a good time to take stock and see how we can make ourselves more available to the people who might need our help in an emergency.  Step One:  Tell people you are available.  They will call on you if they trust that you are sincere.  I know, because I was there.  Offer what you can truly give and the Good Lord will take care of the rest.

To Debbie:  We are doing well and the little baby girl you knew is now 10.  She sings as sweetly as your daughter did nine years ago (and, I’m sure, still does).  Our lives are richer because we knew you and you helped us when no one else was nearby.  I will pass your favor on, don’t worry!

If you’ve survived a PCS move, you have probably stayed in temporary lodging on or off base during your transfer process.  Did you know that many of the lodging facilities on military bases offer low-cost lodging to military leisure travelers?  We’ve stayed at Navy Inns, visitors’ quarters and Air Force Inns in Europe and the U.S., and you can’t beat the prices.

For example, Hanscom Air Force Base, which is just a ten-minute drive from Lexington, Massachusetts, charged us $47 for a two-room suite, with kitchenette.  Most motel rooms in the area charge at least twice that rate, if not more.  We bought breakfast food at the commissary and gassed up our car on base, too.  This would be a great place to stay if you were planning to explore Boston, Lexington and Concord.

We’ve stayed at Navy Lodges in Virginia Beach, Great Lakes (Illinois) and Annapolis, and in a Marine Corps inn outside of San Diego, at Miramar.  Everywhere we’ve stayed, we’ve received great value for our money, and we’ve been able to use base facilities (think laundromats!) to save even more while on vacation.

If you’ve never considered the military lodging system, I encourage you to give it a try.  I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Yesterday we attended a celebration at a friend’s home on a nearby military base.  We brought along my daughter’s friend, whose parents are not military.  She was astounded to discover that we had I.D. cards and that she was on a military installation.  She worried that her parents wouldn’t be able to get on base because they didn’t have I.D. cards.  She asked me if people fought battles on the base.  At first, all these questions surprised me - I had forgotten how it feels to look at military life from the outside rather than the inside.

I need to consider this idea more carefully, I think.  After nearly 23 years of the Navy spouse thing, I’ve pretty much crossed over to the other side.  I can explain the acronyms, tell you how to get the most out of your local military body hobby shop and give you tips on PCS moves, but most folks I meet learn about military life by watching CNN and Fox.  They don’t ask me, that’s for sure!

I think, too, that my children accept their lives as “normal” - not just the moving, but the rental cabins and the commissaries and the low-cost activities we enjoy.  That’s good - they like the military life, for the most part.  Almost no one in the military is a millionaire, of course, but our lives are pretty decent (I’ll rant about military pay some other time).  I don’t want to take the blessings we have for granted.

I have a feeling it will be a while before we see our $25.

Yesterday, my husband tried to contact US Airways once again about the incorrectly-assessed second-checked bag fee he paid Sunday.  He spent nearly 20 minutes on hold and then - of course - had to hang up to go to (gasp!) work.  He asked me to call US Airways to see what I could do, so I dialed the number I found on the airline’s Web site.

The pleasant-voiced woman who answered told me I had to call Customer Relations in Phoenix to solve my problem.  When I explained that my husband had already tried that avenue and had spent far too much time not talking to actual people, she suggested I send an email to Customer Relations via the US Airways Web site.  I took some time to compose a polite letter, requesting not only reimbursement but also retraining of the employee who incorrectly billed my husband.  After all, our local airport is within 50 miles of some large military installations - the Pentagon, for one - and I’m sure my husband is not the only military person to pay these charges, which will eventually get put on  travel claims and be paid by - you guessed it - taxpayers.  Bad all around, except for US Airways’ bottom line.

I went to the commissary yesterday and noticed that youth sports signups placards are everywhere.  I grabbed a copy of our regional MWR Joint Services Leisure Guide and discovered that our other local military base is taking soccer signups now, too.

While the weekly routine of two practices and an early-morning game doesn’t sound too appealing just as the current school year is winding down, I can say from personal experiene that getting involved in youth sports is good for both parents and children.  My children have both spent many hours running bases, kicking soccer balls and so on.  And, at each new duty station, I was compelled to get out and meet some other parents from our base and our local area, which was a very good thing.  Without youth sports, I would not have met all the wonderful moms and dads who became my friends, and I would have lost the chance to find out how to make the most of my time at each new place.

Youth sports can benefit your whole family.  It’s time to sign up!

As you might guess, it’s not over yet.  My husband contacted US Airways representatives in Charlotte and Las Vegas, and each time was told they couldn’t help him.  He now has a toll-free number to call (no doubt with a maze of “If you’re calling for…” messages to navigate).  The US Airways representative in Charlotte told him that US Airways introduced a bunch of new fees and charges over the weekend.  This is not true; the airline’s last press release on service and fee changes is dated June 12, 2008.  The Contract of Carriage was last updated May 19, 2008.

I know we can dispute this charge and win; US Airways’ contract of carriage clearly states (on page 19) that active duty military, and even those separated from active duty service within the five days prior to their flight, are entitled to check a second bag free of charge.  I shouldn’t have to go through any of this, though.  US Airways should train their employees on new policies before implementing them, and passengers shouldn’t have to spend lots of time on the telephone getting baggage charges reversed.

What really makes me angry, though, is that this has happened to a military person.  It’s not like most active duty people have extra cash to spend on checked bag fees or anything else.  That’s over five gallons of gas right there!

Hopefully, my next update will close out this case.  I’m not holding my breath, though.